Setting down his book and glass, General Sokolov begrudgingly rose from his chair as a man approached him. When he reached his desk, the man shot up straight and saluted, panting slightly. The General returned the salute, confused as to why he was being disturbed so late.
"General!" the soldier gulped, "I bring news!"
"Easy there, comrade. What news is so important that you must disturb me during relaxation hour? I have barely started book!" he indicated to the closed novel on his desk.
"Thousands apologies, General!" the soldier bowed deeply. Sokolov laughed.
"Don't worry my comrade, I have read book many times. There are not so many books as I would like here. Perhaps oversight on my part."
"There will be no more time for reading! General... we have been discovered!"
The General slammed his hands down onto the desk, shaking its contents and partially spilling his vodka.
"WHAT!" he shouted, the solider flinching at his response. "Is not possible! We are in secret location, impossible to be found!" he spun around and looked out his window. As usual it was pitch black, specks of debris floating past infrequently.
"As we all thought..." despaired the soldier.
"Have we identified who it is? Is it the capitalist pigs?" he spat on the ground.
"I believe it is, General. Only they are both technologically advanced and stupid enough to venture as far as here. We have yet to have visual, but our radar picked up their approach not ten minutes ago. I believe visual shall be within minutes, sir."
Still examining the utter darkness, Sokolov sighed and removed his hat, scratching his bald spot amidst his thinning grey hair. There was a buzz from his desk.
"Incoming call sir!" shouted the solider, unnecessarily loud. The General turned and went to press the red button to answer.
"Not that button sir!" yelled the solider, reaching out, "That is one for launching of nuclear missiles, sir! It is other red button, one to left."
"I feel this is problem that we should deal with. I understand why it is red. I do not understand why red button is next to equally red but much more important button."
"I shall find designer of desk have him shot, sir!"
"Da." Nodded the General. "Also, while you are doing that, bring sticky note back so I may place over button. Do not press should do it." He adjusted his hand an inch to the left and pressed the correct red button. "What is it?"
A crackled voice came through the speaker on his desk.
"General! We have established visual with incoming vessel! Shall I send it through?"
"Da. Put on big screen." he walked around his desk and stood with his arms folded behind his back in front of a huge wall-mounted gold emblem. It was a massive hammer and sickle. Suddenly, it split down the middle and started moving apart, revealing a black screen underneath. Once they were fully apart, the screen flicked on. It was still relatively black, save for a small object in the middle.
A submarine.
"So, it is true, we have been discovered..." the General spoke softly, despite his usual thick, rough voice.
"I see no markings, General, perhaps it is not American dogs as we thought?" chimed in the soldier, spitting on the ground.
"Nyet. As you were saying, only they are pig-headed enough to venture this far. The technology looks advanced as well. Da, American for sure." He spat again.
"Perhaps it is Nazi vessel, General. They also own much technology."
"However, much as it pains me to say it, Nazi technology at least has style. This ugly." He indicated the blocky ship on the monitor with disgust. "Also, you see any symbols on it? They love showing off. Damn Nazis!" he shook his fist at the ceiling.
"Are you still mad they got to moon first?"
The General pulled out his pistol and shot the solider in the head.
"That is for speaking out of turn and telling LIES! Guards! Clean up mess." He waved over the two stationed guards by his door. They immediately went over to the body and dragged it away, out of sight. After a few moments, there was a mechanical whir and what sounded like a hatch opening. The guards returned and retook their posts. Sokolov returned his gaze back to the screen, ignoring the now floating body of the former solider drifting in the black water outside. It wasn't there for long as a large tentacle whipped out, wrapped around the body and pulled it out of sight. Out of sight and out of mind.
"We must move quickly to eliminate pest. How goes Project Polyman?"
There was a pause, no doubt the scientists on the other end of the radio were discussing something, but Sokolov was not a man to wait.
"Assuming going well from silence?" his voice was stern. This got the scientists back.
"Uh, of course General..." there was another uncomfortable pause. The General's eye twitched.
"But?"
"But... by going well we mean... going bad. There have not been any successful fusions as of yet sir."
Almost on cue, there was a moaning from beyond the door. Sokolov turned to see his guards slowly backing away, guns pointed at something but not firing. A strange creature shambled into view.
"Also, if you see Number 17 please let us know, he escaped from confinement." added the scientist hastily. The creature had a large '17' branded to the side of its head, which looked almost shark-like but with human skin and human eyes. It moaned again before flopping onto the floor. It was clearly too top-heavy for its tiny limbs, its legs appearing to be fins with toes. It wobbled pathetically before slowly rolling back and forth.
"I will let you know." Sokolov turned back to the screen. The submarine was still there, not appearing to have moved since it's discovery. "Then we need new solution. How are our missiles? Armed and ready?"
"Negative, General, they have family of endangered fish living inside them."
"I don't see how that means they are non-functional."
"Fish...um... prove useful for research... yes..." the scientist did not sound so sure of himself.
"They better be." growled the General, "So what do you propose we do?"
"Perhaps we wait and see what they do? They still have not attacked, so perhaps is just research vessel or-"
"Researching our military operation! Nyet! They must not be allowed to live! I will take charge myself since we have not single competent man in this whole facility!" he stormed over to his desk and started rifling through drawers.
"This is another problem sir" dared the scientist, voice shaking "perhaps we should've hired some women in this facility, General. We have been down here long time and some of us are... well..."
"Women just get in way of master plan, with their babies and lack of facial hair!" he spat on the ground. The floor was getting quite slimy now. "Also, it is well known and documented fact that women cannot live underwater for longer than twenty-four hours."
"I believe that this meant in place without oxygen sir. Even man cannot last that long, sir."
"Nonsense! True Russian man can hold breath for longer than forty-eight hours, and still have strength enough to fight fully grown mother bear afterwards. Women! Tch! Useless!"
"But Mother bear is strongest of all, you even used it in example-"
The general shot the screen, it immediately cutting off the scientist's voice as well as the image. Blowing the smoke from the end of his pistol, he smiled smugly before returning it to his holster. Finally, he found the paper he was looking for.
"Aha! Here we go! Operation: Specific Pacific Missiles." he flicked through the pages, "Here we go. Stop One: Flip over red box on desk."
He did as it said, deftly flipping over the small square.
"Step Two: Press red button to launch missiles and watch capitalist dogs blown to smithereens. Glory to the Motherland."
He pursed his lips, already predicting what he would see. Sure enough, as he looked over to what the box had revealed he saw not one, not two but three red buttons. He frantically flicked through the rest of the papers.
"Operation: Marlingrad... nyet... Operation: Sea Bear... Operation: R.O.V (or Replace Ocean with Vodka)... who comes up with these? Grah!" he tossed the papers over his shoulder and returned to the buttons.
"One in three chance..." sweat was pouring down his brown, "But what do other buttons do? Curse our unfailing faith the red! Everything must be equal they said..." his finger hovered over each button for a few seconds, shaking.
"Here goes. Glory to the Motherland." Pressing down on the middle button, there was a faint click. Suddenly the lights shut off, plunging the room in darkness for a few moments, until several red swirling lights sprung to life and illuminated the room in a crimson glow.
"Guards!?! What is meaning of this? What has happened?"
The guards ran into the room and saluted in front of him.
"Don't worry General, red light is good. Red is best, da?" the left guard lowered his salute, while the other nodded in agreement.
"Anticlockwise spin means successful launch, General." now the right lowered his salute while the other nodded. The General squinted at the nearest flashing light.
"Tell me," he pointed at the light "Which way light spinning?"
"Clockwise, General." There was a pause "Oh. That is bad sir."
***
From the outside, the man inside the submarine watched in confusion as the large metallic structure in front of him suddenly collapsed inwardly, seemingly dragging underneath the ground while imploding.
"Wow." He gave a little chuckle, "Vait till I tell ze Führer back on ze moon about zis!"
He adjusted his red armband before giving an exaggerated salute, activating the extremely efficient German engine and speeding off through the ocean's darkness.
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