"He sure is taking his time"
The Archemperor sat on his overly elaborate skull throne, impatiently tapping large metal fingers on a skull arm-rest. His other hand lay on his chin, which jutted out a few inches revealing two huge upward curling fangs, both adorned with gold rings. He sighed and looked around his throne-room for a clock that he knew wasn't there and sighed again. A small, green and hunched figure ran beside him and bowed deeply. Its long robes dragged behind it, far too big for the small humanoid. It looked up sheepishly and clasped its thin, weasel-like hands together.
"That's because of the intricate and, might I add, brilliant traps and machinations you have laid before him!" the Vizier squirmed and rubbed his hands. The Archemperor hated it when he did that.
"Is it really though?" he stared at his servant, who stared back with a puzzled expression on his ugly face.
"I do not understand, my liege?"
"I have placed many intricate traps indeed. Yes, a great many. In this castle." He gestured with his humongous armoured hand around the room. "But just this castle. There are pitfalls, swinging blades, pools of lava and room after room filled with my best, most elite and armoured soldiers! Sometimes I put a little treasure chest in secret room to lure our prey in, only for him to find the door slamming shut and a monster drop down to slay him! Delightful!" he chuckled menacingly to himself, before his face dropped and resumed its bored expression. "But that's IF he even gets here!"
"Well you have sent many troops all across the land, my benevolence. He is probably held up in one of your many, many realms." the Vizier hurried over to a window and pointed out. "I mean who could get through the icy winds of Frozedonia!"
"Indeed, the aptly named Frozedonia known for its frozen wastes." The Archemperor lifted himself up slowly from his throne and clanked towards the window. "I believe we sent all our winter-themed soldiers there, didn't we?"
"Yes, my king, the Shivertons, the Orkcicles and Glaciators were all prepped and deployed where you told them to go."
"Quite fortunate that we decided to make those particularly themed soldiers. They were starting to melt here." He tapped his thick chin. "So is our hero on thin ice?"
"Not quite, my fiendishness, our scouts do not report any sightings in Frozedonia."
The Archemperor grunted in disappointment at his servant's lack of reaction to his pun.
"Hmm, pity. Well this does lead on well to my next issue. Before Frozedonia, there are two paths one may take to get there, correct? One is the ghastly Skull Swamp, filled with stinking bogs, grasping vines and I even threw in a few dinosaurs here and there. The other path..." he paused, looking out over his lands "Is Candy Canyon."
"A devilishly devious desert, my omnipitenceness"
"I believe you meant to say dessert. Now, let me ask you, if you had to choose to go through a festering, stinking swamp filled with beasts and killer plants, or a place made literally of sweets and chocolate, which would you choose?"
"If it were me, I would choose the swamp of course, my ghastliness-"
"Of course you would choose the swamp you freak." He shot a vicious glance towards the Vizier before turning back to the window. "Now a normal person would one-hundred percent of the time choose the Candy Canyon. So why did we even build it?"
"It was to deceptively lure them into a false sense of security, where the true danger lies-"
The Archemperor interrupted, getting more and more frustrated.
"True danger!? What? That they would get diabetes before they got out!? Please, it's a cakewalk to get through there. Literally! Some parts of the ground are made of actual cake!"
He sighed and rubbed his brow, a migraine starting to form as it usually did when he got stressed. This was happening a lot recently. "Well if he isn't gorging on gumdrops, where is our hero?" he threw himself around, black cape billowing, and stormed back to his throne.
"Last sighting was that he was at Splashalla, my archlyness."
"Of course he is!" he threw up his arms and fell into the throne, exasperated. "I would be there too!"
"We have put several of our aquatic forces there to stop him-"
"Several? Not all?"
"Well, not exactly. We wanted to keep a few here, you know for the dreaded sewer that leads through the bowels of your castle-"
"Now this is another issue. Why haven't we sent ALL our best troops there to stop him? The closer we get to his home-village, the less troops we send. Not to mention the much, MUCH weaker and less well-trained ones the closer it is. Why is that?" he glared at his Vizier, who shrank into his robes.
"I thought it would be best to conserve our forces-"
The Archemperor got up again, stamping a heavy boot, not just out of anger but the skull throne was not comfortable or practical at all for sitting.
"Conserving our forces!" he bellowed "Do you know how many soldiers we have in total! Even I don't know because there is that many! I think we can afford to send every bloody thing we have at this guy, he's literally destined to kill me and save the world!"
"My emperor, you might be using literally a bit-"
"I am literally going to kill you if say one more word. I am the Archemperor! I don't need to be good at words, just good at killing the hero! Which apparently I can't do!"
"This is the way your father always did it-"
"And look at him! He's dead! Killed by the hero!" he pointed to an extravagant painting on the wall which depicted a very fearsome looking, tusked individual, but with a little beard and large hat. Entirely different to the current Archemperor, who lacked both beard and hat. "Why can't I just go there and kill him myself?"
"That wouldn't be proper, my fortuitousness. You must wait to see if he is even worthy enough to challenge you, not trifle yourself with menial deeds like that!"
"I think killing the only one who could stop my plan of world domination isn't exactly a menial deed. Plus, I could relax on in Splashalla while I'm there."
"Who could relax in such a place! Now that we've filled it with Goblin Sharks, Shieldmermaidens and Crabblasters!"
"Because it's a beach. It's a tropical beach world, filled with coconuts, sand, sea, sun and Shieldmermaidens." He sighed "Me and my wife used to love going there in the summer."
"How is Karen, your Unholyness?"
"Well, she's with the kids today. I can pick them up this weekend."
"Oh, yes, the divorce... I... um... I didn't mean" the Vizier stuttered and stumbled over his words.
"No, no its fine. Really." He ground his spiked teeth, "But let's just say you are one more mistake away from being incinerated on the spot."
The Vizier gulped and opened his mouth to say something, but slowly closed it again. The Archemperor noticed.
"What is it?" he growled.
"We do know where the hero is actually."
Nostrils flaring, the Archemperor menacingly stomped towards his cowering slave. Eyes narrow, he spoke slowly.
"And where is he?"
The Vizier gulped, sweat aggressively pouring down his wrinkled, green forehead.
"Well... he is fishing, my overlordlyness."
The Archemperor's red eye twitched.
"What do you mean, fishing?"
" Apparently some of the locals set up some kind of fishing area. You can catch a variety of fish to either collect them or sell them for profit. Apparently, the hero has been there for days just trying to catch them all-AAAARGH!" his scream was cut short as the Archemperor lifted his gauntlet and fired a ray of fire straight towards him, incinerating him instantly. Smouldering boots remained amidst a pile of ash. The Archemperor gave a long, relieved sigh. His migraine had finally subsided. Grabbing his huge two handed great-sword that was leaning against his throne, he swung it on his back before flexing his fingers.
"Collect them all, he says?"
*This story can also be found on my Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/story/145984879-the-hero-of-taking-his-time