Despite the Hydro-Dampening to prevent electrical outbursts on her equipment, Tonic had never experienced such a shock before. It was cut short as one of the Terovians barked out something unintelligible.
“We don’t take kindly to that kinda talk here,” Cap drawled. “Nor blasting down my bar’s door.”
The many-limbed creature cackled with wet clicks.
“Didn’t expect to see some half-Sh’oorg so far from home, little fungus.” It spoke through a mass of teeth and palps, orange drool dripping to the floor with wet splats. Cap shifted his bulk, shoulders tensing.
“What can I do you for?” Cap mumbled, reaching for three glasses. The two armoured figures raised their weapons, a faint buzz humming from the energy packs strapped to their wrists. Colton risked a peek, making a note of the armour and the various tubes and wires that went to and from their guns.
“Just as I thought,” he muttered. “Those sure can kill us.” He ducked behind the bar again. “Right, lovely to have met you but I’m off now. My lift should be just outside.” He held out a hand towards Tonic. She looked at it, Colton practically seeing the gears turn in her half-cybernetic head. Slowly, she raised her arm and shook his gently. He appreciated the momentary human contact, smiled at her then scampered away. In his hurry, a boot knocked against one of the many bottles lining the inside of the bar. A particularly fancy and bright yellow bottle wobbled, fell and smashed to the ground. A loud fizzing sound erupted from the now dissolving liquid. Xixxle can only be served at a temperature below freezing in a Temp-0 glass. The floor was neither of these things, so the reaction was, like most things that happened in this bar, violent and noisy. The three figures snapped their heads towards the bar as Colton swore under his breath.
“Well, well, well. Looks like we found you, Imperial scum.”
“No, you haven’t,” called Colton.
They paused and looked at each other, lowering their weapons.
“Yes, we have.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You’re right there!”
“Where?”
“Behind the bar.”
“Which bar?”
“The only bar!” The crab-alien threw up his claws in frustration.
“Ahh, you mean this bar!” With one fluid motion, Colton hurled two bottles over the counter and directly towards the figures. One smashed harmlessly to the ground, but the other scored a direct hit onto the rightmost villain. Immediately the armour began to fizz and melt as a yellow liquid dripped down. The one inside frantically tried to wipe away the liquid, dropping his weapon in the process as he uselessly slapped at his suit. This only spread the corrosive solution further. Tonic popped up from behind the bar, a pistol in her cybernetic hand. A small beam of light shot from her eye, targeting the non-writhing but equally surprised armoured figure. She fired two shots in quick succession, striking the armour with satisfying rings. Knocked back from the impact, down the hunter fell.
“Just you an me bug-brain.” She grinned, flicking out two smoking energy cannisters from her pistol.
“Cyborg scum!” The alien lifted two of its middle legs, reaching onto its shell to produce a large, overly-complicated and terrifying cannon. Thick plumes of green smoke belched from vents as the alien flicked several switches and twisted nobs. Tonic frowned, trying to disguise her fear.
“That’s a Shiifoor Barrel-Blaster. Don’t you know they’re illegal?”
“Oh I know,” it cackled back, “Which makes it all the more delicious to use. Not even a cyborg can survive this.” The cannon started making a wet, grinding noise.
“You’ll kill us all!” Tonic discreetly began reloading her pistol out of sight, using her full processing power to find a way out of this.
“The plan was just to kill the scum, so this still gets the job done. And besides, it doesn’t work on Chuk-Chuks.” It hefted the cannon above it, aiming directly towards the bar.
"There are more insults than scum you do know that, right?"
The new energy capsule slipped from her grip, Tonic cursing her metallic fingers. It would not have mattered, as the cannon launched its deadly contents, a gaseous beam of thick, dark smoke. Tonic braced for impact, hoping the death would not be as traumatic, painful and horrifying as all the stories she had heard about this weapon. The smog-beam barrelled towards her, before veering sharply to her left and directly into Cap. He wobbled slightly as the final trail absorbed into his fungal-form. There was a pause.
“Delicious indeed,” said Cap, smacking his lip-less mouth. Tonic, bemused, looked from Cap back to the Chuk-Chuk.
“Wait... what?” it clicked, turning to look back as its weapon. This was enough time for Tonic to leap over the bar, land deftly on her cybernetic leg and boost herself at lightning speed towards the distracted alien. It barely had time to click before a metal fist drove directly between its mandibles. Two small jet engines emerged from Tonic’s arm, igniting with a flash and adding drastically to the speed and force of her punch. There was a disgusting crack before the Chuk-Chuk’s crab body flew back and out the door. It took a few moments before they heard it finally land.
“Now that’s a punch. Remind me never to get in the way of that.”
Tonic turned, seeing Colton standing behind the bar dusting himself off.
“Nice job with the bottles.” She flexed her fingers, smoke and sparks emitting from the joints. The counter clicked up by one.
“All planned, obviously.” Colton coughed.
She stepped over to the pool of brown liquid where the bottle had missed. Leaning down, she dabbed a finger into the puddle, then brought it up for a taste.
“This is just rum. Like, absolutely normal rum.”
“Is it? Well, lucky I hit with the other one, ay?” He grinned before turning to Cap. “Add it to my tab, please. One bottle of Xixxle and one human-consumption level rum.”
“My bar is destroyed you flesh-sack! Your tab is through the roof, buddy!” Cap roared, swiping his meaty hands towards him. Colton backed away, dodging what he could. Seeing a small opening, he reached forward as Cap threw an over-zealous hay-maker towards him and snapped off a small mushroom growing from Cap’s arm.
“Hey!” Cap yelled as Colton pocketed the 'shroom and hoisted himself over the bar.
“Might be useful! Stops illegal bio-weapons apparently!” Colton laughed and patted his pocket, before about-facing and legging it out the door. Tonic winked at the fuming mushroom-man and followed, leaving Cap to stew.
“What happened?” called the fourth Cap-voice from the far side of the bar.
“Nothing!” yelled the first Cap, wishing he had teeth to grind.
***
Tonic caught up with Colton much faster than she expected, him already huffing and bent double beside the port gate.
“You ok?” she asked. He waved her away, nodding but failing to say anything. She raised her eyebrows before strolling through the gate. There were only four ships docked, the closest, judging from its poor-taste graffiti, spikes and extremely large weapons that this was the bounty-hunter’s ship. Her ship, a single-person combat model, was currently dwarfed by a massive, white, smooth, frigate-class freighter. She had noticed it as she passed by, deliberately docking at the bar to find its incredibly rich owner and hoping to find a way onto its crew.
“I guess we must’ve missed them,” she sighed, placing her hands on her hips.
“Missed who?” Colton had caught up.
“Mr. Overcompensation over here.” She waved towards the huge ship, before walking towards the fourth parked ship.
“Where are you going?” he called after her.
“I just wanted to check out what kind of girl you’ve got. Though from the looks of her, she isn’t exactly pretty.” She gestured towards the box-shaped scrapheap that was barely holding itself together. “Funny, they do say owners look like their ships, but you really are nailing this look.” She chuckled.
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Colton pressed a button on his wrist-transceiver. “Fifi, those engines better be ready. We are outside, open the doors.”
There was a hum, a beautiful clean hum that definitely did not emanate from the dilapidated ship in front of Tonic. She turned slowly to see the white-freighter light up like a star, beams of blue light flashing like perfect circuitry down its front, before swirling together into a spiral. The spiral solidified, a door appearing at the ship’s base in an egg shape. It slid gracefully open as a boarding ramp descended, equally as graceful. Colton tutted as he stomped up the ramp. Tonic stood dumbfounded.
“I thought you wanted to see my girl?” he said from the doorway, a cocky smile half hidden as he rubbed his chin.
“But... That’s... That’s a Mark II Imperial Freighter! You can’t... how did you...?”
“Long story. And she’s a Mark 1.5 technically, a prototype model to bypass the Mark I. Not that it means much now since they’re on a Mark X or whatever now. Now does that mean it is the tenth iteration or are they just wanting to sound fancy?” He disappeared inside, mumbling. Tonic jogged up the ramp. If she thought it looked big from the outside, the inside blew that away. Long white corridors with enormous ceilings weaved their way with elegance, rising up where she could see crisscrossing paths and walkways. Everything was smooth, with no exposed wires, panels or any sign of defect. The door suddenly sealed up behind her silently.
“So.” Colton turned to face her. “What do you think?”
“She’s... she’s.... huge!” Tonic was having difficulty grasping what was going on. A metallic voice, strong and feminine suddenly reverberated throughout the corridor.
“Wow, what a bitch. I didn’t immediately say what a skinny rake you were when you walked in, but sure, insult my weight. It’s fine. I’m just a huge disgusting ship.”
“Oh, Fifi,” Colton groaned. “She meant it as a compliment.”
“I’m sure she did.” The disembodied voice dripped with sarcasm. “And where have you been?”
Colton rubbed his brow with two fingers, eyes squinting with discomfort. “At the bar, like I said.”
“For one drink, you said. You were gone for exactly 2.38 hours, which I suppose is enough time to get to know her.” A ring of light suddenly materialised on the floor under Tonic. It flashed through a few colours.
“What are you doing?” Tonic tried to step out the ring, but it followed wherever she put her feet.
“Scanning you. Making sure you’re not harmful to my Colton. Checking allegiances, criminal records, that sort of thing.”
“You can’t just do that!”
“Funnily enough, I can!” The voice was enjoying this far too much. “I have an Anyel-Drive with two-hundred million wattahurts of scanning capabilities, along with eight point six trillion zemmabytes of data and archives from Empirical Databan-”
“Fifi!” yelled Colton. “You don’t have to go that far! She’s fine, she helped me escape from some bounty hunters.”
“Oh.” The circle disappeared. “You could have said so. Wait! Bounty hunters?” The lights immediately switched from a delicate white glow to a dark red. “We have to get out of here, we have to keep you safe!” The ground underneath them shook, a steady hum growing steadily louder.
“Fifi! You have to let me- oh never mind!” Colton threw up his hands and jogged down the corridor, Tonic cautiously trailing behind while casting suspicious looks around her. They reached a new room, huge and circular, dressed with tables, sofas and chairs. A single potted plant, a yellowing fern, stood by a wall encircled with spilled dirt and water. Including the corridor they just emerged from, there were four corridors in total that split out from this one room. Tonic assumed this was some central hub, but seeing the scatted clothes, empty liquor bottles and mismatched furniture she also assumed it was Colton’s main living quarters. Unless there was another slob who wore similar clothes hidden somewhere on the ship, was quite possible due to its size and Tonic wondered how it could even be kept functional without a crew. Colton approached the corridor directly in front of them. Tonic noticed a small metal sign welded just above the opening, stating ‘STEERING’.
“Steering?” She pointed at it. Colton turned, looked up at the sign and threw his arms about.
“Steering! You know, the place that you steer the ship.” He continued onwards.
“You mean the cockpit?”
“Yes, but I only found that out later, and when I went to weld a new sign I got halfway through the word and ran out of room, so now I just have a sign with the word cock on it and I don’t know what to do with it.”
“I feel that’s a you problem.”
“Don’t you think I know that!” They stepped into a new room, still dimly lit with the red ambiance where apparently, as Colton put it, this was the place where you steer the ship. Crescent shaped, three raised panels were spread evenly in a line, each filled with flashing lights, buttons, gears, knobs and levers. Directly behind them was a huge, white, curved wall where, like most of the ship’s walls, was entirely spotless and blank. Colton snapped his fingers and suddenly, through a series of bright lines emerging and swirling into a square on the floor, a chair rose out in front of one of the panels. He threw himself down and started tapping away at a screen.
“Fifi always bloody forgets to disengage the docking parameters. Always in a hurry when THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!” he shouted, but there was no response.
“Fifi is...” Tonic twirled a finger in the air, pointing upwards.
“Yes, Fifi is the ship. I’m sure I can properly introduce you in a bit, but first...” he pulled down hard on a lever. There was a jerk, a clanking noise, then a loud whirring. Colton looked about, concerned. “Fifi...” he called out slowly. “Disengage the Light-Drive.”
“We have to get away from those bounty hunters.” Fifi’s voice echoed throughout the cockpit, robotic and calm. “The fastest way is if we launch straight into Light Speed.”
“True. However, let me offer you this as a rebuttal. Oh please God no, we will surely die.” Colton spelled it out for his ship. “As I’ve said so many times before, if we engage Light Speed from stationary, the sheer force of momentum will tear us all apart.”
“But... but... The bounty hunters might shoot you.”
“I can survive a shot, I have survived shots. What I know cannot survive are my atoms being disintegrated and turning to space-dust.” His voice was steadily growing louder and more frantic. Tonic felt that this conversation had happened far more times than it should have. “Anyway, the bounty hunters are all knocked out, we don’t have to leave right now-”
Fifi interrupted with an announcement. “Detecting energy readings from nearby docked ship.”
Colton and Tonic looked at each other.
“Your ship is a...?” Colton asked Tonic.
“Jeitt Fighter.”
“And the energy readings are coming from a...?” Colton asked Fifi.
“Modified Impaler-Class Devil Vessel,” said Fifi.
“Right. That sounds like the kind of ship that bounty hunters would use. So, how about a compromise of we leave real quick, but not light quick.” Colton hurriedly started twisting some knobs and clicked several switches down. There was a beam of light the split the wall in front of them which separated away to create a viewscreen. From what Tonic could gather, this was a projection of what was currently in front of them, the vastness of empty space. She nodded, impressed by the technology. A window would leave a physical weak-point on the ship, and this also likely allowed from 360 degree viewing capabilities.
“Docking disengaged, ready to fire up initial boosters.” Colton muttered.
“You don’t have to tell me, I’ve been on plenty of ships before.” Tonic leant against the leftmost panel.
“I assumed you had, this was more for me. I often forget which order I need to do things. Speaking it out loud just helps.” Colton scratched his stubble. “I believe it is now...” He hovered a hand over two buttons. “Blue first.” He went to press it before a voice stopped him.
“Red first,” said Fifi.
“Just testing you.” Colton coughed then pressed the other button. The humming lowered in pitch, and from the screen there was a small amount of movement.
“I suppose I’m coming with you then,” said Tonic, raising a pink eyebrow. Colton pointed at her, snapping his fingers.
“Ah. Right. Apparently so.” He scratched the back of his head. “How about we escape first, then talk later?”
“That sounds alright.” Tonic chuckled.
“Does it?” said Fifi’s nonplussed voice.
Colton wiped a hand down his face, letting out a sigh. The stars in front of him began to move as the ship emerged from the port. He was beginning to think that outrunning the bounty hunters would be an easier task than explaining Tonic to Fifi. At least he was used to outrunning bounty hunters.